I am GUILTY!!!

I have been guilty.

Not only because I have not being updating this blog. BUT also for not going to the gym. NOPE!! I have not been doing my gym regime regularly. And I have a reason (EXCUSES!!) for that.

For the past several weeks, I have not being 100% happy, because my other half is outstation. He still is until probably middle of June. So, yeah, my emotional state has not been at its optimum condition. And then, there's the job. My current schedule is so crazy that I do not know when I will be in the office.

Anyway, excuses aside, I need to set new schedule for my gym sessions. I cannot consider weekend, since there will be a lot of things to be done during that short two days. So, I still need to find time during weekdays. I will make it work somehow.

:-(

Counting calories is no human instinct..

Nope.

If there were any cave woman who actually counted calories, please do tell me, because I need to know.

Since I started gym, I have been getting these sudden cravings for stuff that I used to have everyday, without even thinking about the repercussion of what it might do to my body.

Things like this sinfully delicious steamed Hainanese Chicken Rice.

I grew up loving food. My family is a mix of both spicy Malay and Chinese food. I love my spices as much as I love my garlic.

I had to cook an entire meal at dinner because my Mum used to work and only came home after 7 pm. Rice is a staple dish that we had and on days when I wouldn't feel like cooking, I would walk down to the chicken rice stall and bought packed rice for my siblings.

My Grandma was possibly one of the best cook I knew. As a child, I remembered going over to her 'warung', where she would pick me up to sit on her counter, and almost always, my grandparents would make sure I have my drumstick. Huge, greasy... yeap... I was a happy fat kid. (I think).

Rice is somewhat my comfort food. When I was working in the pressure cooker of a profession a few years ago, I sought solace in food.

When I first moved to KL, intense training had me eating rice for lunch and dinner. Also I was living with my auntie, who is a great cook and saying no to her cooking would be, I guess at that time, sheer madness.

Afterall, would you say no to steamed rice and the fattening glory of 'ayam masak lemak cili padi'?

This was me, a couple of years ago, I was the one in the purple sweater :

I looked like I have had 6 kids.

So you can't blame me for counting calories now. After losing all the KGs and have defiantly fought all odds, this would be the last time you would see me looking like a mess.

True enough.. this is what I look like, now, lighter, saner, albeit, healthier :

So, I might have the Hainanese steamed chicken, without the skin, with glass noodles and loads of salad and having it with green tea.

Life is unfair... face it. However, it is unfair because it was trying to be fair.

Think about it.

Counterdepressant that is exercise

Last weekend was the breaking point for me.

One, I was at work from 4.30 pm to 2.00 am and then had to come in again because of emergency at 4.30 am.

Really, having a blackberry changes your life. It sucked to have one, at the same time, you are dead if you don't have it.

Two, I was also at the same time scrambling to move to the new place. I was not having enough time to pack my stuff and was far from packed.

Three, well... this happened on Sunday and is totally not worth mentioning here.

But the fact remained. The whole work issue got me feeling depressed and I was walking around feeling like a classic fool. I was questioning my credibility at work and my ability and whether or not I am actually good at my work... or not.

I went through the bloody interview with my boss's boss for crying out loud. Apparently I impressed that guy so much that I was picked.

But... yes... I was depressed. I took Xanax and can hardly smile or laugh. Heck... can't even cry properly.

Thankfully, the moving really took my mind off stuff. The climbing up 2 storeys for maybe a combined 7 times to and fro tested both my mental and my stamina. All that wearing a 1.5 inch wedges and halter neck dress.

I carried all 20 boxes of my shoes, my whole collection of handbags and messenger bags, my books, bookcase, comforter, pillows and other stuff that I have accumulate during my stay at the old place.

I was, for once... sweating like a pig. Seriously.

I feel like I have thighs of steel by the time the whole moving was done.

Of course it would be madness if I am to go for gym the next day, so I didn't. And yes, I was still depressed. I was still feeling like one big bag of messed up shit. So later that night, after a fucked up episode, and banana leaf rice session, I took valium and went to sleep.

The day after, while on break and was staring down 16 floors from my office, I was actually thinking how it would feel like to... well.. jump. How it'd be like to just fall.

Well.. I was curious.. didn't think of it as suicidal. Just thinking how it would feel like. Yes I was still depressed, but was not thinking about ending my life and shit. Maybe I should bungy jump one of these days, or slack the tension during wall climbing.

The next day, thanks to whoever it was cooking tonnes of dried fish downstairs, I woke up and was awake for a good 20 minutes before deciding that I should go to the gym and make good use of my awake time.

So... I did :

- 50 floors of stepper in 10 minutes,
- 1 rep of 20x on leg press (weight : 70KG) and single leg press (30KG).
- 1 rep of 20x arm press (weight : 7 pounds) on Bosu pad
- 1 rep of half push up on bosu pad : 15x
- 1 rep of half push up : 10 times
- 1 rep of alternate leg kicks : 10x

I was pressed for time so, hence the 1 rep of everything. And also because most machines are occupied and there were a lot of people in the gym at that hour and I was starting to feel a bit... suffocated.

And after a vegan wonton noodle meal, I felt so much better. I was even thinking about cutting down on meat and re-starting Yoga.

And while I admit that I am still very much dependent on my anti depressants, exercise is.. ladies and gents, one of the things that work if you want a 'peace of mind', to help keep you sane.

The temple is my own

I forgot how much I enjoyed working out.

I have been slacking for the past couple of months. I have been busy at work and due to my new position in the division, I have to put in more hours just so the division would be running just the way I'd like it to be run.

But I decided that slacking around and feeling fat is no way to live. So recently, I started to go the gym more than the usual 2 days a week routine, which was actually a major cutdown from the normal 6 days a week routine I had before I was promoted.

I decided to double my workout and make it more intense. I sweated out it out doing double reps of core strength training and double my cardio workout as well.

I love sweating. If you know me in person, I don't sweat as much as I should. So the expression, sweating like a pig honestly does not really apply to me that much.

Initially when I started gym, I was quite conscious about my surroundings. I was concerned about how other people see me.

Now, the gym is one of the few places aside from my office that I would have no qualms going to without having any shred of make up on my face. Au Naturel, that's me in the gym. 

Besides, my only purpose in joining the gym is to make me a lean mean machine. I don't need to meet new people and most of the guys who goes to the gym are gays anyway.

My motivation nowadays is knowing that I am responsible for my own health and my own body.

My body is truly my own temple.

Today's work out :

Stairmaster 50 floors in 13 minutes.

Bicep curl and Lat curl : 2 reps of 16s
Tricep curl : 2 reps of 16s (having problem with left hand though... particularly tough)
Lunges with 8lb weights : 2 reps of 16s
Half push up on Bosu Pad : 2 reps of 15
Half push up without Bosu Pad : 2 reps of 10

Reclining Tricep curls on ball : 2 reps of 16's each horizontal and vertical
Full squats with ball : 2 reps of 16s
Bicep curl on machine : 2 reps of 16s each side
70lbs thigh reclining exercise on machine : 2 reps of 16s.

Tread mill, slow jog at 6.5; 5 mins.

On my 2 GB MP3 player :

Alicia Keys :
Wreckless love
I need you
Love is Blind

John Legend : 
Green Light - Feat Andre 3000
No Other Love - Feat Estelle
Satisfaction

Joss Stone:
Bad Habit
Music
Tell me what you Gon' do - feat Common

Jay - Z :
On to the next one
Alicia Keys

Beyonce : 
Get me Bodied
Upgrade U

Seriously, great music gets you going like an Energizer bunny!